My experience with grief

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Can. Prepare. You. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. The ridiculous up and down of emotions just plain sucks. This whole situation just plain sucks. But I cannot and will not let myself get stuck in grief. That is my goal right now. I have experienced every emotion known to man. And I know this will never get any easier. I will adjust and I will move forward, but I will never move on. My life has a a defining point that will never be erased. Before June 1, 2015 and after June 1, 2015. I am not the same person I was on May 31st nor can I ever be that person. Even living with/loving a person with a chronic illness….even doing all the preparing/talking we did….even reading every possible grief book, book on heaven, book on dying…wasn’t enough to prepare me for single handedly worst day of my life. My perspective on life is so different than it was before the death of my husband. This is NOT how the story of my life was supposed to be written. I would love to wake up from this horrid nightmare. But no matter how hard I pray or wish or plead, my husband is not coming back. Death is final. And I never really grasped the true empty horrible sucky meaning of the word final until my husband died.

I wish I could describe to someone what it is like to have lost the person you shared your life with. ANY loss is extremely difficult. I have been through several losses in my life but one difference this time around is I don’t have my person I need to lean on. Sure I have lots of support. Lots of family and friends. But the person I need the most to get me through this is the person I am grieving for. Every second of every day I am reminded I do not have that go to person. I am grieving for the person whom I need to grieve with.

I thought in the past I felt what it was like to be lonely….but what I am experiencing right now is loneliness to the nth power. I can only describe it like being in a room with every person I love dearly and not being able to communicate with any of them and them not being able to communicate with me. I know I am not alone on this journey but…I am.

Despite all the negatives about grief. There is an upside. Yes an upside to grief. It sounds weird to say, but in my good moments I am really good. I kind of feel like dancing and singing my way through life when I am having a good moment. In those moments I. Love. Life. I was able to truly love another person. I was given the gift of marriage. Grief is the price I am paying for deeply loving another person. The perspective I have gained is truly miraculous. I have an internal and external perspective on life I wish I could give to the world. I am so grateful for the life I had with my husband. Grief has seemingly given me super human perspective powers. Things that seemed so important before no longer hold much stock in my life. Looking at all the material things my husband left behind really gave me a reality check. I love looking at all his “passions” as I called them but what I remember best and think about most often is how he treated me. They say you come into this world naked and you leave naked. Boy is that true. The only thing that you leave behind are your relationships. How you treated people. How they remember you. Everything else is mute.

I know where my husband is. He had Jesus in his heart and he is experiencing Heaven as I write. I have no doubt that the joy he is experiencing now is not even close to anything I can even fathom. And that makes me smile. And it makes me a tad bit jealous. I am stuck here in this fallen world to deal with my sin and the sins of others while he is experiencing no sadness or tears. So I await the day God calls me home. I have no fear in death. Let me explain, I am not wanting to die. My story on this earth is still being written and I fully trust God for keeping me here. I just welcome the day I get to be with my husband once again. I do not want to stop living. I am just free from the fear the word “death” brings.

Grief is weird. Some days I am happy I cannot stop smiling. Other days I am raging mad. Other days I am really sad. Other days I feel cheated. Some days I look at pictures and laugh and smile. Other days I am horrified by the realization that family pictures from here on out will never ever include my husband. Every day is different and sometimes every hour is different. I wish I could predict how I am going to feel. Some nights I go to bed sobbing but I wake up with a smile on my face loving life. Other days I have “crazy brain” (as my 6 year old calls it) but 10 min later I am in a really good mood. Grief is truly a rollercoaster. I wish I could get off it though.

About a month ago I was reading some cards my husband gave me on various holidays/occasions. It brought a smile to my face because I honestly say I gave it my all during our marriage. I strived to be a calm loving wife. Of course I fell short a lot of the time. But I choose selflessness over selfishness. I died to Christ in my early 20’s and I made a vow on my wedding day to put my husband before myself and to put God at the forefront of our relationship. I can honestly say I have very few regrets in my marriage and I am mostly proud of the wife I was. When I look at the thousands of pictures I took over the course of nearly 17 years of being with my husband I can see the joy I had in my eyes. Our marriage wasn’t perfect and I did a lot wrong but what I did do right is put God before my wants. That single goal I strived for everyday is allowing me to be ok with my grief. To not need that much closure. To not look for worldly things to make me feel better. Of course I made mistakes in my marriage. I said things I wish I didn’t say. I was not Christ like in every conversation. But I apologized. And I was sincere. When I made a mistake I owned it and tried my darnedest to make sure I didn’t do it again. I put God first. I stumbled plenty of times but I learned something each time. I prayed for my husband every day. I still pray for my husband. I long to see him again and cannot wait for our meeting in heaven.

We knew about my husbands illness before we had kids. Before we got married. Before we even got engaged. I loved him and to me that meant I had to also “love” his illness. I was posed the question by the counselor who was with me in the hospital before my husband died “if you could go back to your life before you met your husband would you tell yourself not to date him…marry him…and/or have kids with him?”. I didn’t even hesitate with my answer. No. Up until that point in the nearly 17 years of knowing my husband I can honestly say I hadn’t even thought about that. It had never even crossed my mind when he was diagnosed or during any part of the journey to break up with him or leave him. I loved him and I would never have left him.

Grief is the price you pay for living and loving. Grief is the price you pay for taking a chance. Grief is the price you pay for accepting someone for who they are and inviting them into your heart. Grief is the price you pay for sharing your heartaches and hopes. I am grateful I am grieving but I really wish it would stop. I get it. I understand.

Freeze tag

I over heard my youngest daughter and son discussing the rules to their new game “shadow”. Apparently it’s like freeze tag-the person who’s “it”has their back turned to the other players. He or she turns around and the other players freeze. But according to my daughter “mommy’s can’t play because they have eyes in back of their head.”

I just about peed in my pants laughing. I wondered why she often felt my head. She’s been looking for my eyes!

Since my husband died I feel like my life is frozen. Like I can’t turn around to let life happen. I’m constantly staring at my old life, fearful of what may happen if I turn around and let my life go on without my husband.

My kiddos are getting older. My mom is going through chemo for her recurrence of cancer. Repairs are being made on the house. The 6 year old will be 7 soon and then none of the kids will be the age they were when their daddy died. Things are different then they were on June 1st 2015.  Life is going by so fast. And I’m trying to keep it from moving. I know that Clay would want me to keep going. To keep living. But it’s a hard thing to turn around and let life happen.

But I am going to have to let life happen or I’m going to miss it. And I don’t want to miss it. And I know Clay wouldn’t want me to miss it either. I would have been upset him if the shoe was on the other foot.

Your story is important

When clay and I first started dating he told me about two boys at his high school who lost parents. They bravely stood in front of the class and gave speeches on their experiences. One was sudden, the other was a long illness. Both of the boys thought the way their parent died was the best way. The one who lost his parent suddenly believed it was best because he didn’t watch any suffering. And the one who had to watch a long illness believed it was best because he had time to talk to his dad about things.

It was a strange conversation to have at age 20 (me) and 22 (clay). But it set the stage for the openness we developed over the years. Clay believed a sudden death was better for all and I was torn at first. How could one tie up loose ends if it was sudden? How would you know what the other person wanted if it was sudden? Don’t you need that time before a person dies to get or give forgiveness? How can one get right with God if it was a sudden death? In the fall of 2000 my questions all came with clear answers. At age 24, Clay was diagnosed with a rare type of a brain tumor. And it dawned on me…A person doesn’t need to be on their deathbed to ask/give forgiveness. A person doesn’t necessarily need that time before death to tie up loose ends. It can begin right now. Treat people right. Treat each other like people. Give respect when every ounce of your being wants to yell and scream why you are right. Be real. Be transparent. No one is perfect so don’t act like you are. Love and respect. Respect and love. I could go on and on. For each person this may look different but for me that looked like this: giving my life to Christ, committing my life to Clay, and honoring God by honoring my husband.

Clay and I were engaged May 2001, married August 2002, and became parents in 2006, 2009, and again in 2011. And on my 37th birthday I became a widow with three young children.

That conversation about the boys from his high school became a regular talking point for us. Over the years we discussed our own fate and what to do if something happened to either one of us. We planned our funerals, did our wills and wrote down lots of our wishes. He and I knew nearly everything from when to “pull the plug”, to what our gravestones should say, to what songs should be played at our funeral.

Looking back over the nearly 17 years we were together I am comforted by all of these conversations. Clay’s death was very sudden, but we had the luxury of discussing everything without having to endure the pain of suffering. Clay never had a gradual decline, what we were expecting with the type of tumor he had. He was 100% one day and then gone the next. It doesn’t make his death any easier. None of the planning we did is making my pain go away. But I am glad we had these conversations and I really take comfort in knowing who Clay was and what he wanted in death.

I often think about these boys from Clay’s high school. They opened the communication lines between clay and me even before there was a real “threat”. I am eternally grateful to them for sharing their stories. They have no idea how much it impacted my life and Clay’s life. It shouldn’t amaze me but somehow it always does–how God places people in our lives exactly when we need them. This is one reason I absolutely love getting to know people. We each have a story and who knows how your story will impact another person. What’s your story?

Not the life I chose to have….

This wasn’t the life I signed up for. I am not supposed to be a single mom to three kids. I am not supposed to have to check the widow box on forms. I should not have had to bury my husband just days after his 39th birthday. Lots of things I am not “supposed to” or “should not” have had to do. But I did and I had to. Nothing can change this fact. I am choosing to allow myself to have the occasional pity party. Don’t we all need to do that? Today is one of those days. With three sick kids and no coffee on the house, I suppose it’s ok for a pity party.

I lost my husband of almost 13 years on June 1st 2015. His heart held on until 12:15 in the morning. I believe it was his way of saying happy birthday to me. I became a widow on my 37th birthday and we now share this special day. I have always loved celebrating birthdays! And my husband knew that. Birthdays were so special to me.

Not everyday is a pity party. I now have more good days than bad and I can look at pictures without sobbing uncontrollably. I love talking about him with the kids and showing them some of the nearly 20,000 pictures I took of our life together. I love all the memories we created. I love the life we created together. I still am in shock that it is done.

Widowhood just plain sucks. Death just plain sucks. Yes life can suck. But I love watching my children grow. I love being able to “unfold” them and watch them grow into the wonderful people God created them to be. I utterly do not understand why my husbands story ended on June 1st, but I do embrace the fact that my story and the kids story is still being written. I wonder where life will take us?